Howard Hendricks, professor at Dallas Theological Seminary in the U.S., once said “We should not be ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create.”
Despite growing up in a “broken home,” (parents divorced when I was nine years old), I had a highly optimistic view of sex and marriage. However, the same can’t be said for many people. If I were in a room of a hundred people and asked who educated them about sex, I can almost guarantee that the majority would say they were educated by their peers, school or TV. So, I feel fortunate that sex was taught by church leaders in my youth group who were “not ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create.” In my church, I was told that sex was this fantastic gift that we can only open on our wedding night.
(A special note to survivors of sexual abuse: As a Licensed Professional Counsellor in private practice, I have listened to the emotional devastation that sexual abuse inflicts. It is a serious issue that has implications on the marriage relationship, too. I urge survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help.)
Play the Adult Role
Sex was not intended by God to be used as a weapon: “If you make me mad, I won’t have sex with you,” or “I’ll show him he won’t be getting any, any time soon.” This puts you in the parental role with your spouse as you try to “discipline” them. The weapon technique has been substantiated by many play group mums over the years that I’ve known. As women, we must ask ourselves, “Do we want an adult to adult relationship or do we want to play games with our husbands?” According to psychologist Eric Berne in his transactional analysis principles, we can play the “adult” role, “child” role, or “parent” role. We must ask ourselves, are we assuming the role of our husband’s mother by teaching him lessons? Are we assuming the role of a child by thinking, “He hurt me earlier today so I’ll make him pay in the bedroom”? Or do we want to assume the adult role and not play these games, but resolve conflict in a truthful and loving manner? Tell your spouse, “I feel hurt by…” or “I need time to think about this before we have sex.”
Doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you does not mean do unto others as they are doing unto you. Be in the adult role regardless of your partner’s response. This means that his behavior does not dictate your reaction; you rise above it. “You may be playing games, but that does not mean that I have to.”
Have a Date Night
It has been said, “Romance created the children, now the children ended the romance.” My husband and I have a goal: date night at least twice a month. Mostly we have dinner dates so we can talk, but it could be a picnic, a leisurely walk, or something similar. Emotionally and financially, it will cost you more not to date than it will to date. Divorce is much more expensive with alimony and child support than investing in your relationship twice a month. If you would not expect your car to run without gas then how do you expect your relationship to run with no investment or time together that a date night can provide? It tells you and your partner that you value the relationship and models for the children that your marital relationship is important.
Practice Non-Sexual Touch and Words of Affirmation
Non-sexual touch for me is so incredibly romantic. To hold hands for the sake of holding hands—what a concept! An elderly couple with their arms around each other—there’s nothing better! There are plenty of non-sexual ways to show affection. Think back to what brought you two together in the beginning, what you did for fun, how you spoke to each other. Affection is important especially for women, and typically words of affirmation are important for men. Perhaps this would be a good time to write a list of positive words for your husband.
Learn to Listen
Focus on listening first rather than being heard by practicing reflective listening: “What I’m hearing you say is….” If your partner thinks you are really going to listen, they may be more willing to be open. When Greg, my husband, repeats what I’m saying, just the fact he is listening takes away tension. Especially when he says, “What I’m really hearing you say is….” This helps me clarify and feel that my feelings are worth something. I do the same for him: “What I’m hearing you say is that you need time to think about this…but what I’m really hearing you say is you don’t care about me.” Then Greg clarifies what he is really saying. Intellectually I may know that he does care, but emotionally I am hearing that he does not. Reflective listening keeps us from misunderstanding one another.
Get Rid of Comparisons and Faulty Attitudes
When going to a book store, how many women versus men do you see at the self help or relationship-improvement section? For women, sex is a reflection of how they feel the relationship is going. Phil McGraw, (Dr Phil) author of Relationship Rescue is quoted in the book God on Sex as saying, “If you have a good sexual relationship, it’s about 10% of the value of the relationship over all. If you don’t have a good sexual relationship, it’s about 90%.”
A husband must understand if he wants his wife to act like the girlfriend she once was, he should treat her like a girlfriend with dates like movies and dining, etc. Romance and sex go hand in hand. Regular romance, dates, and special times could enhance regular sexual relations.
Remember, that it is not just the men who are responsible for faulty sexual attitudes; women’s form of pornography might be romance novels or soap operas that make us question our reality and lust in our fantasy. How could a real man ever measure up? It’s an unfair comparison!
So many factors affect women’s attitudes towards sex: past relationships, her current relationship with her spouse, how she sees men. Ladies, pause and ask yourself, “What is my attitude about sex? Is it something that is uncontrollable, is it a way to get what I want or get men to love me, is it a dirty thing that I do just to pacify my husband, do I have a hard time enjoying sex in the holy realm of marriage because it is too clean or too boring?” All of these attitudes are a reflection of an unhealthy sexual history.
Focus
Many things are going on when it comes to sex. For many women, foreplay starts in the kitchen. What I mean by that is when your spouse is cleaning up the kitchen and giving domestic support or helping out with the kids, this could be a perfect transition to an intimate evening. Without household help, many women say to themselves, “Sure he wants some action now, but where was he when it was time to clean up after dinner?” Speaking as a mum with young children, I can tell you from the play groups I have attended this is a common theme and a common reason for resentment. “He only has energy for sex but not when I need him most.”
Women also have this uncanny ability to do many different things at the same time. I do my best house work when I am on the phone. Unfortunately, we can also take this ability of multi-tasking into the bedroom. We can be in the midst of passion and be wondering whether the doors are locked, what the kids are doing, or what caused that noise. This is not very encouraging to our spouse/Mr. love machine, when our focus is all over the place.
Pursue Sexual Vitality
Regarding sexual arousal, women liken to a crock pot or slow cooker, and men are like a microwave. Many women may be embarrassed to discuss with their men what gives them pleasure; moreover, we may be embarrassed to even discuss sex with ourselves. Intimate Issues: conversations woman to woman book by Linda Dillow is a straight-forward book that is a helpful resource to begin this important journey.
For some married women, maybe sex has become routine. Maybe kissing, dating, and talking as a couple feels more intimate to you than sex, but these simple acts can impact the quality of your sex life. Granted, it is important that the wife not feel that her husband is going through the “hoops” in order to get the great prize of having sex.
This may seem strange to men, but to women, conversation, quality time, non-sexual touch, and kissing can all lead to feelings of intimacy. This will hopefully cultivate the soil for you and your spouse to have an enriching sexual relationship. But without addressing these very important needs, the sexual experience for the both of you will be like diet sex—same act, but less filling.
Let me just tell you, discussing these things does not come naturally for me. But this part of marriage is so vital, so important, that it is time for us as women to grow up and be adult about it. Discuss it, educate ourselves, and pursue sexual vitality. The best sex life should be in the context of a marriage relationship, not some Hollywood fraud.
Keep Within Biblical Standards
According to the book Intimate Issues, “The difference in the amount of time it takes for a man to achieve orgasm versus a woman is microwave (man) 2-3 minutes of stimulation versus slow cooker (woman) 10 minutes.”
I think sometimes that although a man makes love with his body, a woman makes love with her heart. A man’s pornography is visually stimulated; a woman’s pornography is emotionally and multi-sensory stimulated (soap operas, romance novels).
I think it is shameful how Hollywood portrays married women and sex. If the couple is not married, they have sex all the time, but once the woman is married, she becomes a cold, nagging, non-sexual entity. I say wives, especially those who are Christians, should turn the tables and become pro-active.
Even Paul in the Bible says the man’s body is not his own, and he should not deny his wife other than for reasons such as prayer. This is a radical concept that the Bible addresses the woman’s sex drive on equal par with her husband. (1 Cor. 7)
Biblical standards also prohibit orgies, prostitution, adultery, or basically having sex with anyone other than your spouse. Don’t do anything that would demean or harm your spouse in any way.
Men typically like words of affirmation. Women, men cannot read your minds as far as what you do or don’t like so this may be a time to practice adult communication about a very sensitive topic.
My husband tells me this is an extremely sensitive area for men, as their ego is so a part of their sexual performance. In this instance, a woman has the power to tear down her own house (or marital relationship) with her own hands as warned against in Proverbs, or build it up.
Seek Advice
If there is a problem sexually with your relationship, you may need professional help. Remember that sex is to be celebrated with the gift God has given you: your spouse.
Lori Smith, FamilyLife Australia