FamilyLife Australia

Suan Lee Campbell, FamilyLife Australia

"We have been married 27 years and I've never seen you clean the toilet!”

But it’s CLEAN!”

That's because I can't stand the smell from you guys missing the target so I have to keep cleaning after you!”

Familiar?

Fights over who does what at home, accounts for much of our communication particularly in the early years of marriage and when we are tired.

One of the biggest complain a man with young family has is the low priority he gets from his wife. He clocks in at a pitiful last place after baby number 3 or worse, after the family pet. Not a conducive set up for him to help out in chores. The wife thinks, “If he has all that energy to rumble in bed, he can jolly well help out with the kids’ bath or washing up!” So instead of a put down or nagging him when he is not helping out around the house, you could say something like this, “you look sexy with a mop. Imagine what you’ll look like with a vacuum!”  Funny but it does work.

They say that sex begins in the kitchen. So does conflict. According to research conducted by Neil Chethik in his book VoiceMale, the division of household responsibilities has a big impact on sexual frequency, satisfaction, affairs by wives and overall marital stability. In a nut shell, the more satisfied a wife is with the division of household duties, the more satisfied a man is with his marital sex life.

If you read the implication of the research as splitting 50/50 for all house chores to get  better fun nights, you are wrong. The concept of doing 50% each sounds fair enough but it is flawed.

Problem is

We cannot gauge where the middle line is. I think I that I have done more than my fair share but to you it can look like a lousy 20%. The division is too subjective. The focus of this kind of relationship is on the negative, assessing and rating the quantity and quality of work done. This leads to disappointment in the relationship because the basis is on performance. “I’ll accept you if you do your chores to my satisfaction. I’ll love you if I feel you deserve it. I’ll do my chores if I think you’re doing yours.” Nobody wants this kind of ‘if’ relationship.

What do I do?

We need a 100 to 100 kind of relationship. That means we stop keeping a historical account of what the other is doing. Tear up the unseen record and start again. Be the one to give 100% kindness and grace. One thing we have tried successfully is to turn healthy competition to good. Try to out do each other in serving the other. At the end of the week, review how you went on a date night out. Continue doing it for a month to set a good habit.

What do you think about this? Tim and Joy Downs in ‘Fight Fair’ said,“ Nothing can keep an argument going like 2 people who aren’t sure what they’re arguing about.”

Takes Two to do the laundry

HereÂ’s a true story. David is a whiz in business. If you want things done, Dave is the man for you. At home, he finds it impossible to remember to walk his work clothes to the laundry basket by their bedroom door. Emma had tried to remind him in every decibel to where dirty socks and jocks should reside.

One day, a few years later, Emma could not bear picking up another smelly sock, this time, it was under the computer desk. With a glint in her eye, she took all his clothes and hurled them out the window of their two storey house. Emma hummed while she got dinner on. The door bell rang sporadically. Emma grinned, breezed to the door and opened it with gustoÂ…

Pastor Jake, the new associate minister, stood hesitantly at the door. He introduced himself to Emma and he discreetly avoided looking at the underwear hanging off the brass bell and the rest of David’s wardrobe flapping haphazardly on the branches and driveway. 

Problem is

The fights over chores can really be about order and planning ahead. One person is a better organizer but the other has his/her pride! Or to put is kindly, the other has a different kind of organising system.

What do I do?

At the beginning of the year or school term, our schedules and routines change. It saved  my family many arguments by simply aligning our calendars ahead of time and sticking it on the fridge door. This technique helped my family to know where each one is so no one misses an activity.  We also included a date out for the two of us and a family fun time for all.

 Simple agreements like whoever is home first, prepare the meal. Or, the cook does not wash. Making a list of chores on paper is better than holding it in your head.  We cannot expect the other to know what to do or how to go about it if they are not familiar with the task. If your office or home look perpetually messy and you do not know where to begin, there are many helpful tips and organisational consultants on the internet to help you.

Enjoy that vacuuming, guys!