Paul Hegstrom
One privilege I had as a preacher's kid was meeting missionaries who came to our church. One who made a great impact on me was Louise Chapman, who served in
One night I asked, "Mrs. Chapman, what does it feel like when God calls you into the ministry?"
She explained it in terms that a 9-year-old boy could understand, and tears filled my eyes. "Mrs. Chapman," I said, "that's been happening to me for some time."
She asked, "Are you willing to go where God wants you to go?"
"I'm willing to do anything He wants," I replied. "I want to serve Jesus." She put her hands on my forehead and prayed for me. That night I was so excited that God had chosen me for service in His kingdom!
But God's enemy had another plan. Six months after I accepted God's call on my life, I was molested by an older man. I instantly felt dirty, damaged, and different. Then I reflected on my call and concluded that Jesus couldn't use a "dirty" little boy. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but in 1950 we didn't talk about such things. I was reprimanded for even using the word "sex."
Since I was not allowed to deal with the truth, the event went into my subconscious mind and capped off. From age 9 to age 40, I had no memory of my molestation.
When I began dating, I became angry and abusive. No doubt this was due to my early sexual awareness that resulted from being molested, not once but several times. I met Judy when my family moved to her hometown. She was 13, and I was 15. I had developed a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. I could be exciting, funny, and the town clown; but I had no interpersonal skills, because my emotional development had been arrested at a tender age.
As Judy and I dated, I began to abuse her. We married when I was 19 and she was almost 17; our wedding was on a Saturday and by Sunday I was hurting her physically and emotionally. This lifestyle lasted for more than 16 years.
Although I was in denial, I knew something was wrong. I hated what I was. I thought that perhaps going into the ministry would end my bad behavior. What a terrible reason for entering the ministry!
So Judy and I pastored a small church in
That behavior lasted three years. I had no control over my life and couldn't change. I knew my life was not what it should be. Repeatedly I knelt at the church altar and cried, "God, why can't I change? Why am I so driven in this relationship? Why can't I find stability?"
It seemed there were no answers, so one approach I used was, "Well, God, You called me into the ministry. If You'd straighten up Judy, I'd be okay...Make her be obedient and submissive. If You do, I won't act like this." I blamed my problem on her.
I got tired of trying to pastor when I knew I was not living right. I finally left the church and my family. I turned my back on God and everything I had ever believed.
Judy and I were separated and then divorced for a total of seven years. During that period I had a live-in relationship that was even more violent. I did so much damage to that woman that she went to a shelter and called the police. I learned that my actions put me in jeopardy of an attempted murder charge and 15 to 22 years in prison. She told me, "If you don't get help, I'll give the police your name and address."
That got my attention. I went into a program and got private therapy. Six months later, though, I was still in denial. I told the guys in the group that if it weren't for my ex-wife, if it weren't for my girlfriend, if it weren't for my parents, if it weren't for my dog, if it weren't for something else, things would be different.
One man in the class said, "When will you learn it's not about them—it's about you?" This guy hadn't accepted his own responsibilities yet, but he could see through me. I became angry and decided I wouldn't go back to that class anymore.
Three nights later I became angry with God, threw myself down, and pounded the floor. I screamed at God for two hours. Why wouldn't He hear my prayer?
Then I said, "In James You said that if I ask for wisdom, You'll give it to me abundantly." I couldn't even whisper—my voice was gone from screaming so loud. In my heart I heard, "The Father has heard your plea for wisdom, but, Paul, you don't have a teachable spirit."
I wondered, "Why can I not stand any kind of authority? Why am I not teachable?" Again I felt impressed with a response: "If you will become teachable, the Father will give you a program that will restore your family. When it's done, He wants you to take it to a nation and eventually to a world."
"God, I don't even know how to be teachable," I admitted. "Would You teach me?"
When God started teaching me on this issue, I learned I needed to come to Him as a child. Then I needed to grow up. I realized that I alone was responsible for my abusive behavior, and I returned to the group and completed the program.
Months later I called my ex-wife Judy and said, "Some things are happening in my life."
She wanted nothing to do with me. Finally she agreed to meet me, and we talked for hours. She and I became friends for the first time. We dated for 11 months. God worked in our hearts and brought me to maturity. I started to grow up. He also gave us a new love for each other, unlike our relationship the first time.
After seven years of being apart, Judy and I remarried in 1984. Since then, we've never had even one incident of physical or emotional abuse. We attack problems instead of each other.
Our kids came home for Christmas that first year and so enjoyed our time together with us that our 23-year-old daughter said, "Dad, can I come home again to live?" I agreed.
After living at home a few months, she told her 22-year-old sister, "If Dad will let you come home, this is a real trip!" Two hours later she asked, "Dad, can I come home, too?" And when our son, Jeff, came home at 20, I saw that God had fulfilled His promise to me. He not only gave me a second chance at marriage, but also at being a parent.
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