How can I raise children as a single parent?
Dennis Rainey
Ahhh, Christmas: the aroma of turkey baking in the oven … the sounds of children singing Christmas carols … the memories of Grandpa telling stories about "when I was a boy."
Sometimes it seems that December 25 is an enchanted day when the world stands still. It's packed with countless expectations and dreams—all tied in red and green bows and tucked under Christmas trees…
No matter how inadequate you may feel as a single parent, no matter how many doubts you have about the future of your children, the Bible offers hope. Make your home one that draws on the Bible for decisions in life. Develop a plan for introducing your children to Christ and helping them mature in their faith. Make the Bible and Jesus Christ central to their lives. Help them get to know Him and learn how to make godly choices.
Where children of single parents differ from children whose parents reside in the same home is in what they experience because of divorce, desertion, or the death of a parent. These children experience great pain and confusion. Not only is their loss relational, but it often involves financial, social, and educational setbacks as well. Their security is shaken, and often they do not know who they can trust—even their relationship with God can be affected.
Seven "Non-negotiables" for a Single Parent
Your children need you to provide stability, direction, and relief from the pressure they are feeling. They need you to be a godly parent and a source of strength and security in their lives. This process will demand growth and development in your life. To do that I have a few non-negotiables that will help you:
First, deal with any unresolved issues in your heart. This is especially important if you've been divorced. If you are bitter or angry, if you have an unrepentant heart, your attitude will affect not only your life, but your children as well. As the writer to the Hebrews puts it, "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled" (Hebrews 12:15). All too often, because of the pain and trauma of separation and divorce, single parents become the unwitting source of the poison of bitterness in their children's lives.
Dealing with unresolved issues first means taking responsibility for your failures, mistakes and sins you made that led to your separation and divorce. I know this will be an emotional and difficult step for you to take, because you may place a great deal of blame for the divorce on your ex-spouse. Yet if you are honest with yourself, you most likely will be able to recognize some degree of culpability on your part. It is critical that you admit your own failures and sins, confess them, and ask for God's forgiveness. Then, you will need to release any and all bitterness, and forgive your ex-spouse "just as God in Christ also has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32).
Second, pursue an ongoing, harmonious relationship with your ex-spouse. Single parent expert Lynda Hunter told our "FamilyLife Today" radio audience, "In custody situations, no matter who wins or who gains the custody, there are no winners or losers. You must realize that in all studies that are done, the best circumstance within the divorce—except for abuse situations—is that both parents maintain a constant relationship with that child."
Your attitude toward your former spouse and words that you chose to use will have a lasting impact on your children's perspective of their other parent. As much as you can, work together with your ex-spouse to harmonize your parenting and establish common parental goals, disciplinary standards and routines (i.e., meals, bed times, school work, etc.). Sometimes a single parent will wish the noncustodial parent would disappear—the hassles hardly seem worth it. But children need to know their parents. And in those situations the single parent needs to apply grace and encourage this relationship.
On a practical level, this will mean applying to your ex-spouse the principle Jesus calls the second greatest commandment": "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39). Treat your ex-spouse as you want to be treated. Let the words of the apostle Peter govern your behavior: "To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing" (1 Peter 3:8–9).
Make a special effort to control your tongue as you talk to your ex-spouse, and resolve that you will not speak ill of your ex-spouse, especially in front of your children. If difficult conversations or disagreements occur, do your best to handle those privately, away from the eyes and ears of your children.
A third important step for single parents is to become part of a community of believers. Single parents must avoid getting isolated, which will tend to happen when they are exhausting nearly all resources of time, finances, and energy in seeking to make a living and raise their children alone. God intends for single parents and their children to experience His love, grace, mercy, provision and kindness through the local church. In this way, the local church truly becomes a new family for single parents and their children.
In a community of believers you can find other parents who can serve as role models or even mentors for your children. This is especially helpful if you are a mother raising a son or a father raising a daughter. A young son without a father needs someone to look up to, someone who can come alongside him and show him how to be a godly man.
Fourth, develop a game plan for instruction and discipline. Children in a single-parent home often take advantage of tired, emotionally worn parents and skillfully manipulate them. In addition, there are additional issues, such as the tendency of one parent to pamper a child during weekend visitation. One parent can become the "fun" parent and the other can be seen as the "strict" parent.
Avoid creating an environment in which "anything goes" and in which discipline and proper instruction are lacking. Some single parents, feeling sorry for what their children have experienced in a divorce, overcompensate by giving too much freedom. Set boundaries for your children in relation to movies, curfews, dating, and related matters. These guidelines need to be made clear to the child, and then you need to begin shaping this child's convictions around those standards or boundaries. If you need help in setting these limits, try to find another parent, a same-sex friend, who can listen and provide advice and encouragement. This friend, advisor and parent should be called when you wonder if you are doing the right thing.
If possible, work with your former spouse to set limits and boundaries so that you do not send mixed signals to your child. If you feel your ex-spouse is generally too permissive, try to reach some form of agreement around critical issues such as dating, curfews, friends, drinking, movies, Internet use, etc. If this kind of agreement is not possible, then you must commit your child and the situation to prayer.
Fifth, if you have more than one child, schedule special individual times with each of them. Seek the help of your friends and family to provide babysitting that will allow you to spend one on one time with each of your children. Once a month may be the best plan, but do whatever works for you and your family. The purpose of this time is to make sure that you're connecting with them by spending quality fun time that your child enjoys. This individual time will help give them an outlet for processing their feelings and for sharing in safety and confidence their fears, pain and frustrations.
Sixth, schedule times alone. Single parents need time alone to reflect, pray, meditate on God's Word, heal, and commune with God. In these times God will refresh and recharge your batteries back to the double charge you need in order to be the parent you need to be for your children. In some cases, an evening alone will suffice, but I would recommend taking a weekend for a personal retreat two or three times a year.
Again, this will require making arrangements for someone else to watch your children. But remember that your children will only benefit by being exposed to loving friends, family and church family.
Finally, place your hope in God. Ask God to give you the help and wisdom you need to raise your children. Catherine Marshall became a widow when her husband, Peter Marshall, chaplain of the U.S. Senate, died unexpectedly. She wrote about her sub-sequent experience as a single parent: "In my situation the best answers to the sense of helplessness and frustration came through my early morning quiet time when in prayer I would seek God's guidance for my son."
Remember the warning and promise of Psalm 127:1: "Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." Make Him the focus of your life and of your family.
I am impressed by the courage and tenacity of many single parents. I believe some of the greatest rewards in heaven are being stored up for single-parent moms and dads who are facing steep obstacles but are fighting the fight of faith and finishing their parenting assignment well. I pray this will be true of you.
Portions of this text was adapted from Ministering to Twenty-First Century Families, by Dennis Rainey, Word Publishing, 2001.
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